Once upon a time there was a knight who travelled around the kingdom looking for a princess to save. He was very brave and handsome and he was tired of dating site algorithms that inexplicably presented him with their inane choice of ‘perfect matches.’ He tired of girls called Laura or Lauren, and none of the exotically named buxom beauties replied to his messages, and this is why today, this story is being penned for he clambered aboard his trusty steed Fastspeed and ventured forth into the wide world.
Our hero, whose name is Sir Anthony Awesome, travelled to the very borders of his kingdom, which in reality was about half an acre from his front door as he was a poor knight, one of little income, a financially challenged self-appointed knight without a sword or armour or even a trusty steed. He did however fashion a standard, which comprised a silver bucking horse running rampant upon a field of congealed aquamarine. Once Sir Anthony Awesome (who was actually very brave and handsome despite his obvious failings in the one thing that women really wanted – money) reached the edge of his property boundary, he saw that the sun had disappeared behind a cloud and that small, crystalline droplets of pure, clean rain began to tumble down and strike all and sundry. Undeterred, Sir Anthony Awesome went to the pub and ordered his favourite pale ale from atop his favourite bar stool.
Whilst drinking his delicious drink of choice, he caught the eye of a female who was different from the ones he normally met. First off he noticed that she smelled different, which wasn’t surprising as she was not a local and she had just recently moved to the area. Secondly, she spoke to him, knowing full well from his choice of attire that he was a man who could not possibly just be frugal, but in fact rather lacking cash in the pocket department. Thirdly, she was actually rather attractive considering she was missing her face for reasons unbeknownst. Nothing malicious, just if this story was illustrated, she looked as if the artist got bored and just ignored the unfinished portion of her visage. Perhaps his evening meal had finished cooking and he became so full that he just forgot: it is all conjecture at this point, and digression aside, the important information is that she was sans half a face. The left half to be precise, not the bottom half or the top half, rendering her exactly a face sans scalp. Moving swiftly on.
Sir Anthony Awesome and the Lady Mysterious Half-Face spoke for hours, finally being thrown out for having not enough money to continue drinking. Our brave hero knight invited her back to his house where he had been fermenting yeast and barley drinks for some time and was hoping to brew one so incredibly delicious that he could be rich. Alas for him, they were vile. Luckily for him, she agreed to return to his abode and there she tried the drink, finding it so insatiably delicious that her face formed fully from whence it was not so. The science behind this is categorically impossible and nigh on improbable, bordering on such incredulous pomposity that it shall not be mentioned again, except in hush tones at dinner parties when conversation is becoming staid and pathetic.
Nevertheless, the two new love birds sang together (for they liked singing) songs summery in sound, cherubic in their cathartic cataclysmic correspondence with the beatings and the rhythm of their hearts. Furthermore, they were married later that month by a dubious looking minister who may or may not have been wearing a toupee constructed from dandelions and chestnut husks and accepted coleslaw tendered as sterling as payment for services rendered.
Thus concludes this tale with a hidden message, as they lived happily ever after until her husband tracked them down via an obsolete social medium and demanded her return to him, which she did without fuss as she grew tired of paying for things with coleslaw.
© Kris Blackburn 13/10/2015