Hellen Tudor – Part 2

Before they had set off, Krios told Hellen only to pack what was absolutely essential for the trip. Krios didn’t have time to double-check this before they had left, but now on the journey to the docks he could look through the boxes and suitcases at his leisure. Such was the king’s lack of knowledge on life in the real world he had brought a variety of useless and unnecessary items. The journey was to take them two weeks by boat, and two weeks hiking through a jungle. To best illustrate the point at hand, here is a list of everything the king packed: 14 pairs of boxer shorts, 14 pairs of socks, 14 pairs of underpants, 14 pairs of sandals, 14 t-shirts of questionable colour and varying luminosity, a gift voucher for a major high street retailer, a lettuce fork, a salad spinner, a cheese bell, 7 photographs of cows in amusing poses, 104 hand written recipes for beans on toast, one copy of Jamie Oliver’s Jungle Cookbook, one Prefab Sprout CD[1], a beach cricket set, 4 tennis racquets (2 with no strings), a car battery, 17,000 microwavable pizzas with various toppings, one maypole, 256 pairs of pyjamas, two king sized memory foam mattresses, a grand piano, one copy of European Business and Marketing by Phil Harris, a Bradford City[2] Football Club scarf, a book on the flora and fauna of southeast Lincolnshire, one goat taming kit, one bottle of industrial strength superglue, 162 pairs of 3D glasses, a cushion resembling Captain America’s shield, a wooden Noah’s Ark animal playset, travel Scrabble[3], Junior Monopoly[4], and a large box of matches, sans the matches.

By the time the baggage carriage had reached the marina, the king was left with all his underwear, one pair of sandals, all of his t-shirts, and his beach cricket set. He had also acquired a backpack, a compass, a first aid kit, and mosquito repellent. Upon arriving at the marina Krios headed straight for the ship on which he had booked passage, the In Perpetuum. The captain, Gary, was still waiting for a gentleman to arrive, a gentleman he had wronged and was now about to put the wrong right. Krios was really not interested as long as they reached their destination. Krios walked back to the carriage just as Hellen was pulling up in his.

“Krios! Krios! I have arrived! See! My journey was one of valour!” Krios wondered how this was possible, seeing as how Hellen and never travelled by carriage to the marina before.

“That’s excellent news your majesty! How so?” Krios flinched at his own tone of voice, but he had to deal with it, and it would only be for a few more weeks before it was all so finally over.

“Well isn’t it obvious, you silly fool?” Hellen started, ruffling Krios’ hair. “I am the king, and soon to be the almighty! Any journey I take is valorous! I am having my doubts about you as my advisor.” And with that he swept his cloak with him and wandered off aimlessly towards a magnificent schooner over on the other side, appropriately named The Magnificent. Now the In Perpetuum was by no means a modest vessel, but it would attract a whole lot less attention sailing from port to port; imperative to ensure the safety of the king.

“My lord, where are you going?” Hellen stopped dead in his tracks, and turned disdainfully slowly to face Krios. His face was one of disgust, amusement and disappointment.

“I am going to my ship” he said with such exasperation it caused earwigging linguistic scholars to rewrite the meaning in the dictionary and submit a dissertation on the subject. “I suggest that you screw in your brain, follow me, and maybe see what it is like to live a day in my shoes. If only you could converse with yourself on the level I can converse with you, then perhaps you could understand the hell that you put me through.” Rage began to course through Krios’ many blood vessels like a drunken bull through a paper fence.

“With all due respect your majesty, the In Perpetuum is infinitely less likely to be targeted by pirates. It is fast, it is crewed extremely well, and will not seem as enticing for piracy as would a ship the size and renown of The Magnificent.” He was pleading, somewhat ineffectually and unconvincingly as Hellen didn’t even bother to turn around whilst saying:

The Magnificent is clearly named after me. I will travel on this ship and this ship alone. This In Perpetuum has a stupid name. As for pirates, none would dare to engage the king in combat! I will not speak of this any further. My words are precious and I have wasted far more than is necessary on you already. As pearls before swine, so my words are to your ears.” Now Krios really couldn’t give two figs if pirates attacked the ship the king was sailing on, but he had no interest of having pirates brutalise his own delicate body. The thought occurred to him that he should just probably go home and have done with it now, and then he wished that he had saved himself all this trouble months ago by sending the king on a ship to get attacked by pirates then, but hindsight is 20/20. He could still leave Hellen to go on this journey, and in the event that pirates did not attack, he could leave him to get lost in the jungle. However, this would not go down well with those in parliament who are loyal to the king, and would have Krios crucified in order to curry the favour of the voters. That said, Krios would rather face the pirates and potentially gain status as a hero than turning around now and gain the status of a coward and a traitor. He didn’t want that as his eventual obituary, and Krios as a hero had a rather encouraging ring to it. Krios with his head bowed low, trudged in the direction of the In Perpetuum to break the news to Gary.

[1] Other CDs are available

[2] Other Football Clubs are available

[3] Other board games are available

[4] You get the idea


One thought on “Hellen Tudor – Part 2

  1. i’m with the king here… i never travel anywhere without 7 photographs of cows in amusing poses. this story had me giggling all through breakfast. 😉 thanks kriswasp, i can’t wait for part 3!

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