I Still Can’t Verbalise

I never wanted anyone to see

Everything inside that makes me me

But you have me feeling open wide

Wide so wide with nothing to hide.

 

I just get scared that because I’m a mess

You will start to feel for me less and less

When you see what’s there and who I am

And you will find yourself a better man.

 

I know I’m such a child and I’m wrong

Because it is together that we belong

But I’ll never get you back if I can’t see

That I’m pushing you away from me.

 

All I had to do was wait

Stop acting like it’s too late

Think hard before I start to speak

Not behave and act so weak.

 

The worst of this is how sad I am

At behaving not like a real man

Letting neuroses rule everything I do

Neuroses taking me away from you.

 

They exist in me like a parasite

Stopping me from doing what’s right

Feeding off of my negativity

Wanting to keep you away from me.

 

Everything I want, everything I need

I made peace with and long agreed

Is you, your touch, and gentle face

Your love of cats, your love of space.

 

I want those legs and thighs and feet

Your breasts, your belly, groin and seat

I want your arms and hands and toes

I want those eyes, those lips, that nose.

 

I fear and scream that I won’t get

To press my mouth onto your neck

To walk together both hand in hand

To feel you make me grow and stand.

 

Only you can complete this broken mind

With your manner calm and kind

You don’t deserve these things I say

Do not deserve my being this way.

 

I would not begrudge you leaving now

Without fanfare, courteous bow

I can’t blame you, wouldn’t try to

As you escape to pastures new.

 

If a genie granted me one wish

I would take back all of this

So I could start again, a better man

And be the man you think I am.

 

My love is strong but I am weak

To this voice that makes me freak

Yet I will fight it tooth and nail

To be with you, my Holy Grail.

 

Again I’m sorry, though said before

My apologies littering dusty floor

But all of my pain and negativity

Is just down to my vulnerability.

 

My instinct says to hold you tight

But I just want to do what’s right

I truly love you so very much

I just need now to show you such.

 

I can’t ask you to wait or tell you to go

And no matter the choice you need to know

That I want to be someone of whom you can be proud

So we can stand together and declare our love loud.

 

And no matter my noises or my stupid fear

Even when all is still bright and clear

If you should decide that this is too hard to do

Know I’ll never know love like this I have for you.

 

© Kris Blackburn 20/08/14

 

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