The vast expanse of the brilliant blue oscillating ocean is little explored by humans, as humans are relatively small and struggle to cooperate with each other, resulting in one or two teams of twenty at one time trying to explore 71% of the earth’s surface, and 96.5% of that is just the oceans. Trying to work out the scale of the task facing these brave and dedicated souls and how long it will take them to chart everything, owing that the earth has a radius of 6,371 km, meaning that 4523.41 km of that is to be explored by humans averaging about 5’9” in height or 0.001798320 km is maths I can’t even do and I’ve already done enough without a full square meal consumed so far this day. Answers in the comments please.
Digression aside and onto the main point of whatever this piece of writing masquerades itself as, sharks are much bigger than humans and as they live in the brilliant blue oscillating ocean 100% of the time, they are assumed to have explored much more of the oceans than the humans have. Well, most species of shark are not large, but the large ones are huge, with the largest being the whale shark. The whale shark is a brooding, sensitive, gentle giant, and not the focus of this tale. The Great White Shark however, is a ferocious predator, beautiful, elegant, terrifying and mysterious beast, yet even that is not the protagonist. Instead I draw your attention to the lesser known, little studied and completely fictional Great Great White Shark, so called because it is like the Great White Shark but larger and more excellent, with a larger amount of measurable swag that didn’t choose the thug life, but found that the thug life incidentally chose her. I say ‘her’ because I discovered said shark and found that her genitals corresponded with those of the female of the species.
As imaginative as the moniker was, the shark possessed less intelligence than other sharks of her type, yet had more endeavour and adventure attributed to it via the words you have just read declaring it so. The shark was blessed with the awareness that she was the only Great Great White Shark in existence (as she received a copy of this to proof read and approve) and so decided to be famous for more than just this. Research done, plans made, he decided to leave the ocean exploration to the Lesser Great White Sharks (as they are now known, obviously) and decided to go further than they would.
Fighting instinct like an android fighting it’s programming in a bid to become human, the shark found that the waters beyond the traditional migration route were becoming warmer than they should be for this time of the year. Breaking free from the shackles of fishy feelings, the Great Great White Shark headed towards the United Kingdom of Great Britain.
Now if I may, I’d like for you dear reader, to suspend your belief a little bit longer and for a little bit further into this tale, if indeed you have lasted this long without giving up through lack of interest, lack of intellect or lack of insomnia. Our hero of the story found itself swimming into an estuary, and because of the excellent sense of smell and an unknown until now new super sense of history that she possessed, knew that no other sharks, Great White or otherwise had ever cartographically charted this stretch of water. It was not much longer after this, what with the Great Great White Shark being able to swim at tremendous speed, that she became beached.
Sensing danger and difficulty, the shark had a truly terrific idea. At this point you can suspend your wilful suspension of disbelief and register scientific fact, as our favourite fake shark appropriately altered and adapted her swim bladder and gills in order for her to be able to breathe in our atmosphere. Succeeding in this as fast as it took God to create everything in a day, the shark was not yet satisfied and so concentrating hard upon her caudal fin or tail if my biological knowledge is askew, successfully converted this into legs on which she could walk.
Oh yes, walk she could now do and so wandered immediately into the nearest cafe because a thirst had taken hold. The shark drank her fill of Earl Grey tea in the centre of London in order to ingratiate subtly with the tourists and the indigenous folk therein. Moderate success was achieved, although many humans and creatures wagged their own tails until they fell off, turned around and marched themselves back into the sea through fear at what they were assuming was an apocalyptic signal. Not only this, but she also assumed an apocalyptic signal was present based on the rumours doing the rounds, and told people that should they find themselves with no appropriate food chain, that she would eat the ones she loves with a lovely Italian red wine, more suited to liver and fava beans, starting with their toes and fingers.
The shark struggled to find appropriate employment, not least because people thought her to be a cannibal relentlessly droning on about ‘the long pig’ and so continued down the evolutionary path that she had set herself upon until she had grown arms out of her pectoral fins and altered her appearance enough so that her face resembled that of Killy Dwyer, which of course she had become and why you now know of her existence
So ends this tale of evolution, and begins the tale of the Fame of Killy Dwyer, which from here on out is a true story and can be proved by social media, and her song lyrics.
© Kris Blackburn 08/08/15