And so it was written by the scribes and prophets of the time, in order that one day someone would find and believe all that is written herein. If Moses finds and edits this first copy, I will sell his people to the Egyptians as slaves.
In the beginning, God himself from way up on the highest cloud, created a firework. This firework was so powerful in its inaugural creation that it caused a huge explosion, which He later called the Big Bang, and from this theory there came into being many rocks and balls of gas in intricate formations. God was pleased with this display and observed it for a day.
Then the Lord came to choosing one rock to be His favourite, and this rock He called Earth. With this rock, the third from the sun in the common or garden solar system in the galaxy known as the Milky Way, He decided to wash it appropriately. As it happened the Lord drenched it entirely, and the sea was formed. God was pleased that His Rock Decorating catalogue series was coming to use after all, and proceeded to create a divide between the waters. He then created a divide between the Earth and what was above it. He thought, seeing as how He’d be living there, it should need a name, and the Almighty called it Heaven. There came to be a new dawn, the third day began.
On this third of days, God decided to turn to chapter three in his catalogue series, Vegetation. And so God proceeded to speak to the Earth, as often you will find modern gardeners doing, and lo! Vegetation itself sprang forth, and all trees bore fruits according to its kind. God, now filled with joy, found Himself to be dancing. This dance was abominably infectious and maybe too much so, and He sealed it away in a tree in the hope that no one would ever find it. This tree he quickly named The Forbidden Tree. As it was only His first attempt, and carpets had not yet been invented to sweep the rubbish under, he had no better place to seal this evil into than into this tree. The day passed with quiet consideration, and a fourth day started.
Now in order for the plants and things to remain so, they needed light and heat, they had water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink, and now they needed to be able to photosynthesise. So God, being the ever vigilant inventor, and seeing as how He was on a roll, invented electricity, and created a device which could hold this electricity and feed it back to its exterior as light and heat. God called this device the lamp. He put Earth in His cupboard with the lamp, and smiled ever so slightly at what He was creating. He left the Earth in the cupboard while He went for a cup of tea, and the Lord did indeed forget about it for a short time. Then there came to be an evening again, and a fifth morning proceeded.
God overslept a little and remembered about Earth in the cupboard and so retrieved it before it shrivelled like a grape, like He had done with Pluto before it. Now God realised that the Earth was quite a large rock and so would be able to sustain many living creatures. Luckily, He was an avid doodler, and had doodled many small pictures of early firework designs, and so He decided to make a selection of them into beings with complex respiratory systems and so forth. And so the first monsters of the sea were born. He was pleased with this, and so had a bath in the seas of the Earth with His ducks and submarines and army figurines. Also the sky was in need of some attention; He thought long, hard and arduously and set about creating the wingéd beasts of the heavens. The Lord also found favour in this, and decided that it was time to create the legged beasts of the world, and set to doodling for the rest of the evening. Then the morning of the sixth day broke, as the previous five had done in similar fashion.
Now God had been very busy that night, and had many wonderful ideas for His “Life on Earth” project as He had labelled His folder. This was The Most Important day in the History of the World, as it was in effect, the beginning of the end, but that will be explained in greater detail much later. And so all the living things were created and they roamed about happily and freely, with no cages or leads or pooper-scoopers to scupper their pavement fouling shenanigans. And God got to see that it was good.
God, in his omniscience now knew that these animals were going to start perhaps getting too smug having no excitement in life, other than the humdrum of everyday, and so He set about creating laws by which the world and universe would be governed by. He knows everything, and thus knew that one day He would want a day off to perhaps go to Scarborough. He invented ‘physics’, ‘chemistry’ and ‘biology’; the most important aspect of which was what he called ‘natural selection’. But still he was not satisfied with all he saw on Earth.
And God went on to say “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness” for He was talking to himself. And so He did indeed create man in His own image, for there is no better image in which to create a likeness of yourself than your own. And seeing as He is all-powerful and the greatest at everything and can cause anything to happen, it seemed a good blueprint to go from.
God was very much appeased by this new creation and gave him the name of Adam. So kind was the Almighty that He gave Adam the entire Earth, with all the trees and fruits and animals within, to name and savour, as he felt necessary. Adam picked one particularly nice spot near a stream and some of the most succulent fruit bearing trees (Adam had not worked out how to get the fruit down, so he just ate the tree). This place he named Eden Gardens, and his address, should anyone wish to contact him was thus: Adam Firstman, 1 Eden Gardens, Earth.
After much contemplation and deliberation over many games of chess and brandy, both God and Adam found it to be good. As this was indeed pleasing to both parties, things remained so for many years until one day, Adam grew weary of being by himself and beseeched the Lord for a companion.
God, being almighty and wondrous and truly nice and polite greeted this request in the affirmative. So He set about looking through His old designs for man, and showed several to Adam. After some deliberation, Adam chose the one he found to be most agreeable, with the most spectacular curves and appropriate lumps and informed the Lord of his decision.
With the mould in place, God set out to create the species most commonly known as “woman”, as when Adam first saw her, he exclaimed “Wow, man”. Woman was much like man, apart from an obvious advantage that her mind was constantly changing in such a way that no man would ever be able to decipher and comprehend it, given that man is lazy and would quickly stop trying.
Man was delighted with his new companion and named her Eve, as he felt that to be an appropriate name for the first woman on Earth. This name now gave cockneys the chance to infringe upon and use in their patented “rhyming slang”.
God now left man and woman to live in the paradise He had so generously provided for them and said that they could name and savour anything in this paradise save for a solitary tree, which He had Himself ominously named The Forbidden Tree. Seeing as how God had created everything including the human race and given everything to them, it seemed only common courtesy that Adam and Eve allowed God to name this one little tree.
(At this point I think it is relevant to add a side-note and say that in a certain, nameless translation of the Holy Scriptures where this text is derived from in satirical form, they have added a subtext saying: “Woman created. First lie. Origin of sin.”)
Adam and Eve respected well the wishes of the Lord and all lived in harmony for many more years. God also had given Adam and Eve the gift of reproduction as a wedding present, and asked them to use this gift wisely in creating miniature versions of themselves in order that they could fill the Earth and subdue it. Also He was now tired of creating and wanted the humans to do it for themselves. God realised that this would be a tiring process, so He made it enjoyable and rewarding so that they wouldn’t think they were doing hard work. In order for Adam to convince Eve to succumb to his charms, God blessed him with a dance, the most sacred and holy dance, the Woomcha; the mating dance of the Gods. But seeing as how God was the one and only deity, He had no other obvious use for it, lest the Bible lies and there are actually other supreme beings. Like Superman, only better.
However, all was not well beyond the metaphorical pearly gates, as trouble was stirring. One of God’s helpers was weary of his life being all-powerful and envied what humankind had on Earth. The jealous one, who bore the name of Casper, hatched a rather cunning and ingeniously evil plan, based on a dance of his own and the tree that was known as the Forbidden One; for you see this dance was so incredibly evil that God Himself had previously sealed its power in the fruit of oft mentioned Forbidden Tree, hence why He wished for the homo sapiens to refrain from savouring its blossom. The name of this evil dance was known as the (name removed for legal reasons, needless to say the second syllable of “Woomcha”, i.e. ‘cha’, appears twice followed by a verb meaning: cause to move or go smoothly or quietly. A thesaurus brings verbs like slip, slither and glide. Also, it’s worth mentioning that this verb also rhymes with glide). This dance was to be known as the most infectious and evil of them all. Even more evil than those other ones; you know which ones I mean.
And so Casper did indeed book a holiday and visited the green, green grass of Earth. Off he went to see the sights, having his photograph taken outside the pyramids and marvelled at who had created Stonehenge before realising that it was God who had done so. After a while he realised why he had gone on holiday and so appeared before Eve not far from the Forbidden Tree. Casper spoke not a word, but instead set about moving to the left, to the right, then taking it back before hopping on the spot a varying number of times.
Eve was overwhelmed by the fact that in one day she had been danced at twice by two different people, when previously she knew no better than the one that Adam performed, known only as Woomcha. Eve spoke to Casper saying:
“Oh movement blessed denizen! Please inform me how I can move as you do, so I can dance for my dear husband Adam and maybe I can indeed form a liberation of sorts and seduce him with my own dance.”
And Casper, being so sneaky and generally evil answered:
“Dearest maiden of the green Earth, you flatter me with your praise. It is such an easy dance to be in control of. It’s just as easy as eating from yonder tree, for within its fruit is the power of my dance.”
“But that tree is forbidden, hence its name “The Forbidden Tree” and is it not written thus ‘Adam and Eve must not eat from yonder tree as I have said that they must not’?”
“But is it not sung” Casper started before clearing his throat: “Let’s eat, to the beat!” he sang in a crisp, clear and most throaty voice before taking a rather distinct bow, as he was a most vain and shallow person.
“You are not wrong oh denizen of distinct anonymity” Eve agreed “but maybe I should first consult Adam himself, for he wears the fig leaves in this relationship.” And so she promptly went off to seek out Adam.
However, unknown to the two, Adam was situated behind the tree forbidden in name, and had witnessed the dance of Casper. In his own mind he concluded that by eating the fruit of the Forbidden Tree, he could combine both the powers of the Woomcha and of the power that lay within said fruit. Little did he know he would not be able to control the powers of the dances combined.
Before Casper had put phase two of his callous plan into action, Adam had already consumed much of the fruit and lay on the floor trembling, as he could not contain the power and thus his body was subject to many contrasting movements simultaneously.
Casper, being pleased with himself, turned around, saw Adam had eaten the fruit of the tree, and realised his plan had turned out better than hoped. So off he went being a telltale to inform God of what he had encountered His favourite humans doing. By the time he had found the Almighty, Eve had found Adam and had herself likewise consumed much of the fruit, regardless of his helpless state.
God ceased progress on his secret project, which I am led to believe was entitled “Life on Mars” and went to see exactly what was happening down on Earth.
When He saw, He grew sad and looked about and did not like what He saw in the slightest. He explained to Adam and to Eve that the dance they saw Casper performing was indeed the result of eating the fruit of the Forbidden Tree, but was excruciatingly evil and so was sealed in the fruit as to conceal it from all forever. Unfortunately, Adam and Eve had done nothing less than unleash the spirit of the evil dance into the atmosphere where it would lie dormant for many, many more years to come.
God grew angry at the betrayal of his helper Casper, but was willing to forgive him, until he made a joke about ‘not being able to Adam and Eve it’, whereupon he was promptly slapped and cast down to Earth to live for all eternity.
He was about to set about on Adam and Eve’s punishment, when, like a fool, Adam questioned God’s motives:
“Oh great and handsome creator! Why is it that you will not allow us to do as we wish? You gave me the Woomcha and did not allow us to savour anything other than what you let us. I believe we should have more choice in what we do. Free will is fair oh Lord.”
And so God granted his wish. Adam and Eve were granted free will, but were cast out of the Garden of Eden and were told ne’er to return. They now were left in the wilderness, and being so incensed and grudge bearing is He that He cursed all of Adam and Eve’s offspring for the rest of eternity as He had the power to do so and pretty much anything else that takes His fancy. And, as a final insult, he stripped Adam of the Woomcha and erased all memory of it from their memories.
And so He sate upon high and watched as they lived in free will. Remarkably, they stayed married until their ripe old ages, when senility set in. Adam dug himself a large hole, which he stood in until he was eaten by ants. Eve died two years later giving birth to an elephant.
God was so undeniably furious that he progressed with His “Life on Mars” project and re-scheduled the release date to TBA. Many people claim that this is a lie and no one is able to test the validity, as people cannot yet agree on whether He slipped it out quietly, lest it should fail and He be embarrassed, as He is with His disastrous first attempt on Earth. This is where His famous biological law, ‘natural selection’ came into its own. God continued with His new project, letting ‘natural selection’ and free will take care of things, all the while keeping a small eye on what was exactly going on.
Years and years and years passed and passed and passed. People now had no reason to believe in God, as He had given them no reason to, so they went about doing things God didn’t actually foresee that they were going to do. He was so immersed in His new project that He completely forgot about Earth, and when He came to look at it, He was not happy with what He saw. Only one man and his family were behaving in a manner slightly befitting them.
This man was called Noah. He was not, however perfect, but he was the best of a bad bunch.