Once, in a nameless and unimportant village of sorts, there lived a man whose happiness far outweighed that of anyone else who lived in this self-same village. His happiness was such that absolutely nothing could dampen his spirits. Not even coleslaw; or the fact that Mr. Blobby was conducting an impromptu tour through the village.
His fellow villagers were rather set back by his constant and unrelentless happiness, and so set about to distract it in the foulest means they could concoct. During their weekly meeting on such matters, they finally decided what to do.
They disguised themselves as items of scenery i.e. lampposts, bushes, paving stones, and followed him around the village. They waited until he was out of every other sight but theirs and then they pounced upon him.
They leapt out of their admittedly convincing disguises and stuffed him into a large wooden box of the cheapest kind from IKEA. Very cheap this box was and despite the slogan, did not give any elite designer any sort of doubts over their own work. Not content with making him spend the next seventeen years in this box as it were, they force-fed him nothing but squeezy cheese and Quaker Oats, as a porridge alternative, and only allowed him to make toilet twice a day, during which time he had to use a bin liner they passed through his air-hole.
Such was the ferocity of this callous attack that most mildly jolly people would have relented their happiness for sweeter times, but this was no ordinary happiness. This man was at the peak of happiness. And so it was decided that after the seventeenth year had passed, they released him from his wooden prison and they themselves relented and begged for forgiveness, and also for the secret of his pure nirvana.
Being as happy as he was, he allowed himself yet more happiness by sharing his secret with them, and forgave them, as ‘twas his way.
And so the happy man led them back to his quaint little cottage on the very outskirts of the main body of the village, behind the largest tree in the proximity. There he led them inside and they followed him to a small room at the back of the furthest rear room. Inside this room was the largest and most complete collection of cutlery that mankind ever had the fortune to observe. Immediately they were overcome with emotion and graciously humbled themselves in front and at the foot of this immaculate collection.
However, this maybe the largest collection of cutlery known to man, but it is not the largest collection of cutlery in the universe, for in Southern Lebanon there is a goat by the name of Act. His owners had a strange sense of humour, he preferred his brother’s name, which was Carpet, but goats are fickle animals and their opinions should never be acted upon.
Act the goat was the finest creator of cutlery known to the animal kingdom. He collected the entire set of human cutlery as well as carving and keeping his own, and upon this collection no man had ever set his coveting eyes.
Upon reading this work of non-fiction as it is, the original antagonist grew mightily jealous at being upstaged and ousted out of his own story and so set about acquiring the goat’s cutlery.
As he was about to discover, goats are more stubborn than many humans give them credit for, especially one with such an unfortunate name. Our original antagonist whom we shall name Very (as in Very Happy Man) travelled business class to Southern Lebanon where he inquired far and wide about this goat.
Many people laughed at him for his preposterous notion, as would anyone if they were to hear about such things, anyone that is apart from one small sheep called Sanchez. This sheep was a partner in the cutlery company until Act got greedy and put his cutlery making skills to ill, rather than to good, and as no one would believe a talking sheep, he could not warn people of the danger they were unaware they were in.
Reluctantly, Sanchez and Very set off together to bring about an end to Act’s evil schemes. Very was unaware what this evil scheme was, but he didn’t think that a goat could pose that much of a threat to a full-grown man who had survived seventeen years of Quaker Oat and squeezy cheese porridge, and a piqued sheep.
Upon arriving at the secret headquarters of the evil goat, they found it was heavily guarded by machete wielding termites. Fortunately for our fearless heroes, termites are very small, and posed no threat to them. Unfortunately for our heroes, the writer of this work of non-fiction decided that that was far too easy for them and so wrote into the story that they were genetically modified termites and were now seventeen feet tall.
Fortunately for our heroes, the writer couldn’t be bothered writing out an over-drawn battle scene between the two armies and decided to let them through with no hint of danger.
Unfortunately for our heroes, the writer was lying to make it more interesting and to catch them off-guard and so a battle ensued. Very was well-trained in cutlery martial arts and defeated two termites with a soupspoon. Sanchez was the sensei of the sheep world of martial arts and so the armed termites proved no problem.
Fortunate it was then, that Act had only made the termites out of cardboard and were only there for aesthetic purposes. Happy were our friends of righteousness, and pleased also they were at passing the first hurdle.
Deep into the headquarters of this goat they went and very soon they came upon the smell of barbecue. Very was a huge fan of the old ritual of turning good meat into charcoal in the act of proving ones worth as a man, and often could be heard at such events in his village giving advice as to which piece of cutlery would be best to use. On they ran with vigour renewed, and closer they came to the source of the barbecue.
It wasn’t long before the pair reached a vast chamber where smoke was spewing from chimney like structures next to machinery used for carving cutlery. Running into these vast metal beasts like a man to a barbecue were conveyor belts, loaded with different sized humans of both genders.
Now Sanchez was expecting this the least of the two, as Very had an inkling this was the origin of the smell due to past memories when at barbecues, he was often burnt for constant talk of cutlery. Sanchez was particularly taken by this and crept off to find Act. Very was now almost in tears, not because of the humans being turned into cutlery, but because of the beauty and quality of the cutlery itself. It was divine; solid silver with an elegant wisp carved up the handle and stopping just above the head of the implement.
Act could see all from high above in his tall Tower o’Evil which stood not far from the far wall, which was far from our homo sapien hero. Into this tower Sanchez had now reached and was in conversation with the evil goat himself.
Here the two engaged in conversation for quite some time and Sanchez now was reinstated as a partner of the company. The reason he left in the first place was never made quite clear, but it seemed that Sanchez was the real master of operations, and Act had created this animal euphoria in a final act to lure Sanchez back to the fold.
As evil as Act was, Sanchez was much more evil, and called for the arrest of Very. His happiness quickly diminished as he was tied to a conveyor belt and turned into seventeen knives, seventeen forks, and seventeen spoons.
That concludes his part in the Cutlery War. Sanchez was not content with this act of treachery and called for all humans to be turned into cutlery. Forthwith the minions of Act and Sanchez went forth and subjected all humans to first spend their lives in a field eating the green, green grass that caused them to become perfect cutlery substance.
For many more years this was the way of the Sheep known as Sanchez. One day however, he was rather disrespectful to the mother of Act, saying that neither her nor his previous owners which they still ate with every night as they were the founders of this regime, knew how to name an animal suitably.
This caused much tension in the camp for a good long while and words were spoken only through messengers. The company was eventually divided into two factions: the Way of the Goat and the Way of the Sheep. Unfortunately, Sanchez had not one ounce of knowledge of cutlery making, whereas Act had spent his whole time as a kid researching methods and materials.
Sanchez, finally realising his own stupidity declared war on Act, for no other reason than he was determined to get them back together and felt that fighting was the only way to do so.
And so we reached the Great Cutlery War of our time. All troops were called in from the fields where the humans chewed still the green, green grass, which they now loved so very, very much. Great fighting broke out in the inner chamber of the secret headquarters beyond the still broken cardboard termites. Many goats were lost, but many more sheep followed each other and got caught in the cattle grid Act lay for them.
It so happened that all the soldiers of Sanchez were captured and turned into spatulas and lemon zesters. Sanchez escaped to the mountains, where Carpet, the brother of Act lived in banishment for his having a much better name. Carpet heard about the actions of his elder brother and was moved with pity towards the humans.
Act was now living the high life and loved every single minute of it, until one day, his brother burst through the door and threw him onto the very mechanism of the great metal beasts.
Here also was Act’s part in the war over, as was Sanchez’s, as he was a very stupid sheep and passed away in the mountains, given to a waterfall in which he was foolishly led to believe by Carpet would give him super powers.
Carpet had now destroyed the entire cutlery factory and its greed and power was forever destroyed and would never again threaten the world of men. However, Carpet had aspirations of his own, and in his own image created a factory which made signature models of his crowning achievement, and released all the humans so they could idolise him and purchase his small models, thus becoming hated more than Act, as he ate all of the green, green grass.
And so concludes the story of the Great Cutlery War and we passed into the next age of the Battle for Green, Green Grass, and this lasted this way for many more years, until a human dared to rise again. Which was probably not for a while as they no longer cared for grass, but found coleslaw to be a delectable source of sustenance, and they retired to the unimportant village where they left the animals to fight for the green, green grass. In doing so, the animals wiped each other out in time, and men lived forever, in peace on Earth.
© Kris Blackburn 06/01/05